Fegi100's Blog

'everybody's youth is a dream, a form of chemical madness'

The human being!

Lawyers who lie.A Killer with a ‘just’cause. The ever stingy lender. The ever generous Borrower. The Atheist who dares to believe. The Family that NEVER prays. The thief, ALWAYS, praying .Crooked police. Crooked judges.Crooked politicians. A paedophile preacher. A mother to a murderer. A murderer with a mother. The killer who feeds his victims. Enemies who ironically strengthen you. Friends who discreetly work against you…The complexities of a human…being

I’m just saying…

In the short 23yrs of my lively life I have lived believing in the infamous quote of the late, someone someone, for the sole purpose of sophistication let me call him B.B. Kutu. He said in his book, that I can’t seem to recall, that…”expecting nothing from anyone always guarantees you of no disappointments.”

In my head that’s the most clear and only way of avoiding disappointments and heart ache, but is it really? If you think about it, if I don’t expect anything from you, not offering it at the end of the day leaves me indifferent, it’s like nothing ever happened. I have been wrong before about lots of things though. We are brought in this world with so much expectations from almost everyone, the day I saw the first light of day, the doc spanked ma ass expecting me to cry as a sign of life, the kindergarten teacher, the folks, the Sunday school  teacher, principals, friends, they all expect one thing or the other from you.

I ask myself, am I the only one who’s heard Mr. Kutu’s line before? If these guys read that book, they wouldn’t be so expectant of me (that sounds wrong). Does that make them ignorant? Have they heard the same story but keep hoping that things will get better? Is it a hope or faith thing? or is it that that they just can’t stomach disappointment and wipe their lips after the dish?  I hope they got lots of napkins.

All I’m  saying in short is that, people are just that… PEOPLE… and most of the time they change their minds, and with every change… good or bad… someone always ends up disappointed. Just like the guys who voted NO! in the referendum.

I’m just saying

club 80:20

Old lady is in the sitting room literally dying of laughter. Seated to her left is her 7 year young nephew, to her right is her long haired, big olive eyed 11 year young niece. They’re watching Garfield. Meanwhile, my old man has blacked out on one of the arm chair’s and olive eyes father is busy drooling all over the other with his head leaning out of the cushioned armchair and his torso well buried into the cushions. I, on the other hand have just woken up (its 2pm) by the way, and a solid Sunday lunch conveniently awaits his highness. Good life! I serve myself and join the already filled sleepyheads, the very young and the young at heart in the living room. I open up The Sunday Nation, spread it all over one of old lady’s new and queerly shaped (I dare not tell her) mahogany coffee table and automatically flip the page over to Mutahi Ngunyi’s opinion column. I place the plate of grub on my lap and switch to ‘auto read’ and ‘auto eat mode’. Family, sunshine, no hangover, good food, Mr. Ngunyi….what a way to kickoff Sunday. Uncle olive eyes arouses from his drooling slumber, twists his neck the full 180, interrupts my surreal afternoon and orders me to shave his son’s head. ”’The kit I came with is somewhere around there!” and then gets back to drooling. NKT! Fortunately, we… in the leafy suburbs have very handy housies and ours typically just happens to have some barber skills. At a fee of fifty bob, he agrees to do this favour for me and just as we are prepping up a shaving spot on the terrace, one of my boy’s unexpectedly pops by. A lunch and a beer later, we go for a short drive around my neck of the woods before ending up at his X’s house and what a warm evening it turns out to be. My boy’s X let’s us know that her beautiful 1 year old PYT(pretty young thing) is via one of my first cousins would you believe. What a small world we live in. Anyway, we spend the rest of the evening playing with pyt Nduta and trading stories with her mommy and her auntie for a few hours before realising that we’ve overstayed our welcome.

FFWWD….It’s now 2.30am and I’m feeling inspired to write something that’s been on my mind for a while now. Will I be just as blessed once mid life starts to creep in and give my children the same nirvanic sunny Sunday’s just as my parents have been able to? And in a country where over 80% of folks don’t own the houses they live in, this is truly a blessing. How nice it must be to own your own slice of this world and be free of the ‘when’s the rent due mentality’ which very unfortunately around 80% + of Kenyans endure. So when I think about clearing school and getting into that bleeding career/ corporate world (yukk!) it would really help if I could have folks who can throw me a sh15million flat somewhere in Riverside to start me off and negate the inevitable ‘when’s the rent due’ mentality. Unfortunately, my folks aren’t the Windsor’s….so nikujipanga! Therefore I and a lot of my friends who will be graduating this year will have to fall into this ‘when’s the rent due’ clique and what’s poignant is that not all of us will make it out. Infact we might as well begin forming a ‘club 80:20′ (80% renters and 20% buyers).

Consider this scenario…Say you get a reeeaallyy good well paying job by the final quarter of this year and you’d like to start house hunting in order to opt out of ‘club 80:20′ early on. You’d naturally want a house not too large, in a safe hood (if we have any left!) and in a leafy suburb. Now! From the much I know, this will at least cost you a cool seven to eight ($100,000+) mil in Nairobi. And that’s probably for some fourth floor flat (bila elevator FYI!) in a slightly upper middle class hood. And unless you plan to live in Athi River, forget about buying a townhouse. Maybe a sh7 mil servant’s quarter if you’re lucky. Alternatively, one can buy a plot of land like our folks used to and start saving up bit by bit before deciding on building. But those days are gone unless you plan on living fifty kilometers out of Nairobi or you’re just lucky enough to inherit a chunk of land. A quick peek at the property guide will illustrate plots in Githurai going for up to 3mil….and I doubt anyone of you want to build and reside in a place called Githurai for heavens sake. As for the purple poppy, Jacaranda tree lined infested suburbs a cool twenty million plus per acre will only get you to the negotiating table. It’s like guys just wake up and say…oh! I’m going to sell my land for this xxx fukin millions today! After all, it’s a willing buyer willing seller game right? Even the guy in Zimmerman who sells to you a sinking piece of land sand witched between four blocks of flats, no sewer system, no drainage, no trees, bad air, no air and no sunlight will probs sell that rat hole for a few millions.

Basically, whatever price ‘property X’ is in Nairobi today divide by three to get the its real value five years ago. And the only bleeding reasons majority of our dumb ass biz journalists will give you are; demand is up, the economy is experiencing a boom, the government is constructing more roads and the best one yet is the inflow of pirate money. Fine, these are valid factors but they aren’t the only ones. How abut these; Wage rates haven’t suddenly shot up, the social amenities provided by government are still the same ones that existed when I was in primary school, banks are still tight with liquidity if not tighter and government infrastructure never seems to satisfy the rate at which our population is growing. Just look at Muthurwa bus terminal during rush hour! If you ask me, within five years, greed (often fronted as demand) has soared property prices sky high and may kill our prospects of ever entering the property market as first timers before we hit thirty.

I think we would all like to see each other do well. To be first time home owners by the time we hit our early thirties and also to trade stories of what other investments we have under our belt. Ideally, people invest in order to enable themselves to enjoy some of the finer things in life or at least to simply make life a bit more bearable. But the way things are going in this town our first time homes may be the only pieces of property we ever own. What’s more, I doubt we can ever replicate the old school way of saving a little bit every end month in order to pick up a speculative piece of land for anymore. It’s the way most of our folks may have acquired their wealth but in our era this will simply be unaffordable and I’m sure we all know this. What I do foresee is that we will have to think of alternative investments methods (other than starting a business) to spruce up our savings, enable us to go on holidays, put our kids through the ‘Harvard’s’ of this world, plan for retirement, buy that jet black collectors Mercedes you’ve always wanted and ultimately leave a legacy for your loved ones long after you’ve departed. And the first pick would have to be the Money markets, Stock Markets and Capital Markets.

Realistically speaking, will this be possible in a country where our own government can’t even set the transport sector straight? Where we still have family owned investment houses (akina Waiganjo& Waiduthia) going under every other day? Where former primary school headmasters have suddenly found their niche in trading multi million shilling mortgage securities? Where secretaries offer you stocks advice in place of their stock broker bosses when they aren’t available? Where we have unethical and unqualified traders handling public finance? And a Government that handles hen snatchers more ruthlessly than the kings of graft. Now…couple this with an almost financially illiterate lot of Kenyans who spend all their free time up watching Gossip girl and 24 and as a result are easily lured into pyramid schemes; make communal/herding investment decisions and other fake ass get rich quick scheme investment ventures… Add a greedy lot of Kenyans who don’t want to make money the hard way but would otherwise prefer perfecting the art of conman ship and serial defaulting… add a dash of a government that politicizes a finance bill and theeen…. throw in a bunch of dishonest Nairobians who would never pay their taxes given the choice yet still sit, bitch! And hold the government accountable on budget day… Presto!!… We now have a financial system that specializes in committing financial murder. Where you can work for 40 years, trust an investment house headed by a former Chemist with your savings and watch your pension fund get handled by some idiot of a trader who has no clue what CFA stands for. And oh yes! Drives a custom fitted Range Rover yet lives in a rented penthouse. And it’s thanks in a large part to dishonest financial systems such as these that have led to the unaffordable state of things in Nairobi(expensive property, expensive loans, expensive mortgages).

So for those of us that may have just gotten into the job market, or may be looking for their ideal job, or have a start up business or are about to graduate and are not relying on our folks inheritance to bail us out…think of Nairobi in the next 10 years and realistically tell me how the hell we are supposed to live here if things continue to spiral out of control?

Now…this year, like every other year, we will have a number of us graduating in our respective trades. Medicine, Engineering, Law, English, Finance etc. In all these fields however you look at it they all have a duty to society. Doctors have a duty to save lives; lawyers to uphold law & justice; engineers to ensure creativity and public safety, health and welfare in doing so and financiers to ensure that; ethics, tenacity, rigor, analytics are observed in the financial world (someone stick this slogan up outside treasury). And seeing as one of my specializations is in finance I do feel that I have earned a right to share my simple financial views especially when something seems a miss. Firstly, finance is at the heart of any dream whether at the micro or macro level of society and that is just a fact. Permit me to illustrate! if you want to start a business…finance…If you want to own your ideal home….finance…your dream holiday…finance….your masters & PHD…finance….do you dream wedding?…finance! In short, everything you can think of achieving is directly and indirectly involved with finance and if you think I’m wrong, then think of how many dreams and hopes the global recession has shattered thanks to rogue financiers and unqualified financiers. And because finance matters, we need to get more training in those nerdy professional courses such as CFA, ACCA, CPA etc and get rid of the quacks who hardly know what these titles stand for and get them out of the pension funds, investment banks and their laissez-faire attitudes away from public (taxpayers) money. Also, the more qualified financiers get, the more we may be able to lobby for strong financial bills that can finally punish tax evaders and more importantly hand embezzlers and graft godfathers with death sentences (China style) rather than wasting them on hen snatchers. We’ll also be able to create derivatives markets that will enable those among us aspiring to be farmers to kick out the middleman and enable one to sell their produce at the right price to anyone anywhere in the world.

This doesn’t have to be a utopia. Slowly but surely the numbers of people sitting for legitimate local and international accounting examinations such as ACCA,CPA and now CFA and attending reputable organic business schools such as Strathmore (Ahem!) has massively risen and the more they are the easier it will be to put restrictions on which qualifications one must bear before handling public money. This is a strong indication of the seriousness with which this industry is being taken. Though it may be a while before a complete overhaul is complete at least the process towards forming a true free market with minimal government oversight has begun. A market whereby transparency and information is readily available. A market where we can readily pump in our hard earned salaries, bonuses and profits and predictably get back a return on making the right investment without cutting any corners. A finance system where retirees don’t have to worry about high school headmasters losing their hard earned money and getting away with it because of some lousy ‘disclaimer’ in ‘fine print’ at the bottom of the contract. In short, a system that appreciates financial prudence and awards you for it by turning your dreams into a reality; that business you dreamed about!….that wedding you dream about!….that jet black Benz you dream about!…your legacy!…all financed.

But this overhaul will never be complete without ordinary folk and professional financiers alike observing ethics right from the Central bank governor – to the minister for finance – to the bank MD – to the bank customer – to the guy at the till. We all need to be ethical in the way we carry out any financial undertaking and ensure complete transparency otherwise our dreams of seeing a true financial system into fruition will be up in the air. Worse, club 80:20 will continue to create lifetime membership package deals. Being ethical is not only the right way of doing things but also the cheaper way. Two, start to think of your life in the long run and get financially literate….youth is running out so grow up! (Note to self)….

This week fegi100 takes its hat off to 2 persons:
1. Just a Band’s ‘Makmende’ aka ‘makmesh’…Kenya’s first viral campaign that hit #67 on Google worldwide searches @1400 GMT on 25th/03/2010
2. Obama for passing his health care bill…Now we all know how important it is to walk the talk
3. Fegi100…..we have our first documentary coming soonest!

A Note From The Clergyman

Here I am again in full swing and moods to write

I am ready to take a different angle at things. It’s my first note this year and I am glad it’s a new year. I was born in the first month of the year and have learned to appreciate it while everyone growls and complains of its misfortunes. I have learned to embrace it and make it my own. This is the first note I write without feeling sad most of my notes express deep frustrated emotions but this one has a light touch with a heavy message. Its long but I ask you to bear with it and maybe just maybe you might learn a thing or two.

We go through life holding onto our past. Letting it dictate who we are and letting it change both our present and future. My greatest fear is waking up one day at the age of 70 to realise I have wasted my entire life going after the non important things. Things that were mere illusions. Ideas fertilised into my brain by fellow humans yet they know nothing. True Knowledge comes from His highness.   When I was a virgin I thought sex was the most awesome thing to ever happen to someone until I had it and it wasn’t all that. Don’t mistake me, my first experience was good but it was just that, a first experience. Now looking back at the many times I have had it, my wish, if I was allowed one, would be to be a virgin again. Never to have that tingly feeling, that thirst that needs to be quenched all the time and I would feel whole again. They say an intellectual is someone who has found something better to do than sex and I confidently acknowledge and agree with the quote.

I never had that real foundation to guide me and know that sex should actually be between two married people who share nothing but love. Two people destined to gallop through thick and thin and never leave each other side. My folks were too old fashioned to even mutter the word sex. It was a norm .I am not a noble man but I seek the righteous path. I know people who had arranged marriages and were both virgins when they had their first encounter but that did not stop them from exploring deep waters or greener pastures and the marriage failed. And that made me realise it wasn’t about being virgins it was about knowing what a marriage is and living a simple straight forward life, My grandfather(REST IN PEACE OLD NOBLE MAN)told me that in a marriage be loyal committed and loving, and God will give you a life that you only see in movies. I have made many mistakes I have actually broken almost all of the ten commandments apart from thou shall not kill and thou shall not commit adultery and who knows with the speed I am moving through life sooner or later I might have accomplished a perfect ten out of ten. Wonder what my excuse will be on judgement day. Life used to be beautiful people used to care and cry for a better cause. There was a time when man roamed in this earth without selfish motives. A time when it was about us and not I or you and everyone enjoyed what His Highness had done in six days. I wana change lives I wana touch hearts. I want things to be done differently I want to bring people close so that we can walk through the wilderness as brothers. You cannot love the Lord our God who is Supernatural, whom we can’t see and fail to love our brother who we can touch. Who can see suffering and know that he or she has feelings. That they hurt and breathe like us.

Every time I am away from my friends and family I miss them and that’s the truth. Sometimes I cry too, not in public but I do. Jamie fox once said that mike Tyson might be fierce and tough but he wears lip gloss. It was a figure of speech to show you that no man or woman is 1000% tough. We all cry and sob, we all hurt. What hurts you hurts me and what can draw blood from snow white can fucking kill Hitler. No one is strong enough we need each other Why can’t you see that. Why have we forsaken each other? Many say until the gospel comes to pass and until Jesus comes is when the world shall end and we find peace well I want him to come sooner cause am on the verge of giving up on all of you,

We are all so self centred.

Why do we push love away? Why can’t we accept that someone loves you and give them the benefit of doubt? Why do we have to hurt the ones we love. God doesn’t send love to you if you don’t need it. If someone proclaims their love to you, give them a chance to prove they are worth it, you might actually love them more than they love you. Though don’t waste time loving someone who doesn’t give your love back. It wasn’t meant to be. It might hurt for a week, a month, a year but mark my words God does not punish you for eternity. He will hear your cries and sooner or later He will send someone for you. You just have to accept the pain as pain is there to tell us something is wrong here and we need to take a different turn.

It’s a high time we embraced the reality and stopped living in fantasy. It’s time to have some real fun to go out there and enjoy what God did in six days. It’s time we stopped fighting for nuclear weapons. Time to actually call your friends and go for a hike, a walk or camping, Time we all started looking for that person we feel close to. That person we can share a toothbrush with. It’s time to stop fucking like rabbits. Time to accept we are sinners and actually do something about it. Time we stopped embracing drugs to make us feel better. An occasional drink with your friends is sometimes worthwhile. Time we dressed decently. Time we actually sat down a nigger and told him. Dude you aint doing the right thing. Its truly that time.

Today I woke up with a clear vision that i can not beat myself up cause of you. I cannot try to dictate what happens to others but i can take a selfish path and care about me. You can call it selfish or selfless but it’s upon me to follow my conscience and try to do good, try and be noble. I cannot continue kicking my ass for sins i have done.  i can accept that God has forgiven me and take a different course.

People look for a thousand and one reasons as to why you are not perfect. They never mean what they say. There isn’t a selfless good deed. They can’t notice your dimple without acknowledging the scar on your face or how long your fingers are or how big your nose is. We all are looking for that perfect person and they will never come along because we are greedy. We want everything. God gave man everything He said you could enjoy everything and was too considerate and created a partner for but you went ahead and had the one fucking thing that he said you couldn’t have. We are greedy and until u learn to be content with yourselves you will never be content with life it doesn’t matter if you are happy for ten years if you become greedy misery will follow you again and bite in your back

We all wake up and go out there smile and act like all is ok because the world doesn’t allow us time to be sad to show how we really feel. We are all pretenders. It’s time we dropped all that nonsense. Time we stopped imitating what we think is right and fun and actually did the right thing. Time we stopped taking everything we are told and made our own lives. Time we stopped trying to cut ourselves to fit into society. If your family friends or relatives can’t accept you for who you are then drop them. Don’t cut yourself to fit into someone else shoes cause sooner or later that shoe is gona wear off and you have to shape yourself again as per the new shoe. If the clique you hang with doesn’t accept you for whom you are drop them. if they see you as a baggage then move on cause you didn’t go down on your knees and beg them to be your family or friends. There is a clear distinction between friends who love you and those that use you. If your instincts tells you they are using you then look the other direction and move on as we love fighting our conscience we rarely notice when we are right. If you have a feeling that someone doesn’t love you stop looking for something that justifies they love you if they do then they will show you love no if’s no buts. Life is not a Pandora box it’s supposed to be fucking simple.

‘Mashoga’

Strathmore taught me well. That it is from the sanctity of marriage that family commences. The old school way, the reserved way and the right way according to those with fairy tale mentalities. Whereby an adult man and an adult woman meet, get to know one another, date, engage , marry, have children and live rosily ever after. Now, we have gay marriages popping up like mushrooms and I am a strong believer that this totally aims at destroying the sanctity of marriage and consequently the family. Call me reserved or whatever you like, but it is the truth. But I will be careful to state that tolerating gay marriages and tolerating gay people are two distinct things. How do two adult men who have decided to suck each other’s cocks threaten you. Even if they decide to show some PDA however disgusting it may be (yukk!) how does that threaten you? Then why is it some of us despise gay men/women simply for…being gay… more than we do the shit head that decides to mug us? or the wanker that decides to rape our sister? or the policeman that extorts bribes from us for no apparent reason just so that YOU pick up his drinking tab? or the fucker that hates you just because you stem from a different tribe? And what about the teacher/ Italian catholic priest who decides to grab you’re 10 year old balls or slivers his fingers up you’re skirt during confession…fully clad in a rosary and priest’s collar if I may add? And oh! The fuck face that steals my bro’s free primary education fund? Now, I’m not asking you to like, love or tolerate gay people. Rather, accept that there are gay peeps around us and that they are here to stay. And just like you they are human too. If anything some of them have more to contribute to this world than the rest of you ever have or will. Just ask Plato and Julius Caesar and famous gay designers such as Marc Jacobs. What the fuck have you done? And the more we spend our time oppressing their fetish for doggy styles and cock sucking let us not forget that mankind throughout history has had a knack of absolving themselves from oppressors. The Israelites from the Egyptians, the world from Hitler, Africans from colonialists, South African’s from apartheid, the relentless African American civil rights movement in the 60’s etc etc.

So last week some faggot couple from Kilifi down at…you guessed it…Mombasa, stupidly decided to get married, in daylight…IN KENYA! (real idiots by the way), All hypocrisy was bound to break loose. So called  ‘Christians’ and ‘muslims’ (both of who were FYI 70% homo I’m sure) converged to violently evict them and evict the gayness in them. Yeah! Instead of condemning the act of fucking each other’s wives and Al shabbab. Kenyan’s are such losers. All the problems we have and this is what we decide to channel our energies  to.We grab public parks meant for schools, hate each other because we come from certain tribes, sodomise our sons, rape our daughters, clear forests, rig elections etc etc. But we all meet up and discuss how wrong two adult homos are? And bring an entire town to a halt while doing so.

Now, I don’t read pretend to read the Bible much nor do I go to church much but back in Sunday school when church was compulsory I do remember a quote from the Bible. John8: 7-11 ‘he that is without sin among you, let him be the first to cast a stone at her …and Jesus said unto her , Neither do I condemn thee: Go and sin no more.” Christ gave us an agency to choose what we want but we are not supposed to be forced into doing so. So stop trying to beat the faggotism out of faggots and channel that energy to planting trees in the Mau you imbeciles.If you have some anger in you, then vent it out in the gym or join an art class or something. But for Pete’s sake don’t dress in clad designed by them, watch movies directed by them, drink medicines and vaccines discovered by them and then… throw stones at them. It’s 2010 and if you can’t shift from backward, retrogressive, cavalier and deplorably callous modes of thinking then you have no place in this world. Kataa hiyo!!

spread the love this valentine’s day!

law of nature…

survival for the fittest and eradication of the weak and those who harm society. looking at the world toady its kinda hard not to think of immoral/threatening/eradicating actions against a given group of people. the Al qaeda, Al shabaab. it makes me sick. one man once said, poverty, disease and crime are traceable to one fundamental cause,  and that is depraved heredity.our continued toleration of the weak and vicious in our midst will mean that such base scions of humankind not only vex their own generation but contaminate posterity through the uncontrolled proliferation of their seed until a whole nation is infected. we should learn from the natures method of preservation and the elevation of races, which is survival of the fittest and rejection of the unfit. untill mankind stops hiding under the dress of humane actions and puts on its due pants to eradicate these threats to fellow human kind, we shall never move anywhere. i leave you with this indain saying…when man treats the angels well, the angels will treat man well.

a good one…by brother in hospital

Its official, I’m getting admitted. A cold bead of sweat rolls down my temple. I’m taken into the ‘Accident and Emergency Center’, they want to set up my IV. My fear of needles is overshadowed by the blood curdling screams of the runt in the next ward! My brother and his boy Onea try to cheer me up but their efforts are futile. I’m terrified. Mum looks on worriedly and Dad’s on the phone mumbling away.
A not so pretty nurse walks in carrying a collection of medical equipment. It has that nauseating hospital smell. I can’t stand it! A chubby male nurse with a wobbly walk struts in. He has a dumb look on his face that makes me doubt his ability to perforate my skin. “We need to insert the needle for your IV” he says. He pulls out my forearm and ties an arm band around my bicep. My heart can’t take anymore! I let out a small fart but nobody hears it. It’s a hot one! He pulls out his needles and tubes. Mum walks out, Dad walks in, my brother turns around. As the needle draws closer to my forearm I close my eyes. It goes in, I yelp in pain. ‘Haiko!’ says the idiot, ‘Tujaribu tena’. I curse uncontrollably in my head wishing it was a joke. He pokes and prods looking for a vein. The pain is unbearable; tears start building up in my eyes. I try that old quick blink trick to try and dry them off but it doesn’t work. I think Dad’s seen them. Now I’m embarrassed. By now the quack has switched hands, he’s now hacking away on my right arm, and the tears flow on. After numerous failed attempts he turns to the nurse and utters a few words. He’s decided to call in a ‘specialist’. Really! Now?! The cursing now turns to insults, and they’re not pretty. Mum sneaks a peek into the ward enquiring on my situation. I choose not to respond. Am on the verge of breaking down!! Suddenly out of nowhere a male nurse confident in his stride walks in, picks up a needle, gently takes my arm and in one clean sweep sticks it into my vein. It’s fast and surprisingly painless. Where have you been all this time I wonder! As fast as he appears he vanishes. “A good one”, says my brother! Am in agreement!

By Edu!

‘WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU??’

Its funny how life quickly turns around.
One minute you know where you’re going and
the next you’re unsure of where you are.
With every passing day life takes a twist;
when alas, without warning, you find yourself in a world you inhibit but do not know.
A world where you are not free to be,
but forced to be a mere product among others.
An automation with no heart or mind.
Simply a sample of the population with no individuality or uniqueness.
A product of the beasts we all adore.
The small gods that mould us, yet as blind sheep we turn our heads and close our eyes oblivious of what surrounds us.
But underneath all the pretence of the population there lives an underlying question:

WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU??

‘Mosero Karimi’

‘madame wa campo’

Disgusting! How you can just sit there and get picked from your house somewhere in ‘Doni’, because you suddenly don’t want to use the means of transport that probably delivered you’re moms to hospital when the contractions started. Now you don’t touch sh50 chips from kenchic at 4am in the morning, rather you digest 180/- hotdogs from mobil. With extra relish. No sauce for you, strictly peptang ketchup…not heinze…you haven’t yet discovered it. And of course sweety, a drink to go with that.We wouldn’t want you to suffer from xerostomia otherwise known as a dry mouth/throat…a fukin 400 sh bill for one at 6am in the morning is just what I need.  Oh shit! The fuel guage of the 535i BMW keeps bleeping red. It’s enough to get me diggz but I have to drop my girlfriend’s girls home too and just my luck because they live on the other side of town. ‘we’ll hook you up with gede next time. We thought Ronnie was going to drop us kwa hostel but he left earlier and didn’t tell us.’ WTF! Thanks to these 4 punkesses there goes another sh 1,000 for gas. As for my girlfriend, no way she can toanisha me like this and go home scot free.’ Chips ngafua’ lazima and she knows it too. You see, it’s like a symbiotic relationship whereby I understand that I have to be ‘toanishwad’ in exchange for that nice piece of trophy ass. A ride in the 535=head…handling the bill on the rave=thong and short skirt…birthday gift=birthday sex…frequent bday gift=frequent bday sex etc etc.

To justify this, I recall a dialogue I once experienced between my boys and his ‘dame wa hostel.’one of my closest BFF’s having with his ‘dame wa hostel at 5am on Saturday morning at the rave.

closure

I woke up today, or rather was woken up thanks to a hard on that was a bit unusually hard I must say. That plus a very randy text from a late night Saturday misdemeanour which only…made the situation harder. Well, I tried to sleep it off but the man downstairs declined to be put off without a fight. Anywhoo!! Then I started to feel a knot forming in my gut and those bloody butterflies beginning to form. It was a guilty conscience. I don’t know why but I felt rather…bad about…doing bad manners…with a very sexy cutey I had no interest in beyond getting hardened. Totally gay!! And this feeling didn’t suddenly stem from a feeling of morality. Rather, from this mirage I constantly have in my head about a certain ‘special’ someone. Well, I don’t know why I still call her special, given that she’s sucked one of my best friend’s dick and probably even gone banana with him. Ceteris paribus, she’s also decided to ignore me for the last couple of months and for what I have not a clue. Let’s also add the relationship status change on facebook for the entire world to fuckin see and voilla! Mark you this is after the countless calls to her from Nairobi to xxx knows where for the last one and a half years, the constant encouragement, the depth of our youthful conversations, the giddy felling I got every time I’d see her name on the screen of my phone, the smile I always had whenever we shared a humorous moment, and the tears that  welled up in my eyes every time we had a grey conversation. What about the erections I’d get every time we’d talk dirty? And the romantic notion that consumed me whenever she mentioned marriage? A year and a half of this and before I realised it, I had almost completed one year of celibacy as a result of that blinding, swathing stage of love or what Kanye ft Keri define as the ‘knock you down’ stage…..I felt so pure in this relationship that I wasn’t ready to give dick to any ordinary ‘clande’ that I got to flirt with, grind with or get turned on by. I admit I went a bit rogue when drunk and disorderly, but never too rogue.

So a few weeks after sending her pink orchids, she goes silent on me and then a month or so later, uploads photos of her new hubby (some ‘what’ or whatever the  name is) on a cruise they probably went on during our ‘moment of silence.’ Thinking of  it then, I wasn’t bitter. Shocked but not bitter. Maybe it was due to my killer schedule back then that I didn’t have time to digest it and realise just how black a moment that was. So I toss and turn and wonder why she would just black me out so icily and it dawned on me that perhaps I was the one who was a tad too optimistic…the one slow dancing in a burning room…and my partner wasn’t willing to burn with me. I initially thought that probably she did an opportunity cost and realised that waiting for me wasn’t going to work. It might be 10+ years (God Unwilling) before I ever got to see her anyway. Well, I accepted this theory and decided to pacify my feelings accordingly.

 Well, today, amidst my hard on…I actually thought this theory through and frankly…fuck it. And fuck the ‘special one’ while we are still on the fuck semantic or whatever terminology English permits. How stone cold can you be? One and a half years and you don’t even have the bleeding nerve to at least give me some closure?? Fuck that! And to drop me in such a mechanic manner only justifies that we never really can know someone a 100%. Not one text, not a flash, not even a flashback, no skype, no facebook message, no twitter, no email, not even a post card. To be so emotionally involved with someone for so long and then to drop them like shit in a W.C.,flush and never bother to check on whether the shit went down the sewer system or got clogged up requires a very ruthless, heartless and clinical mindset. But Ruthless? Not her; Heartless?? Hardly; Clinical?? Maybe. But most probably Timid?? Definitely.  What a coward!…at least text and tell me to fuck off…it still offers a whit of closure… lol

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